If You’re Afraid of Being ‘Too Much,’ I Wrote this For You

There’s a quiet kind of self-abandonment that happens when you spend your life trying to not be “too much.” You trim yourself down, smooth your edges, shrink the things you care about so they don’t take up too much space in the room—or in someone else’s story. You get good at anticipating what will make other people more comfortable, and you start handing out versions of yourself that feel easier to digest.

It makes sense. We’re taught that being liked is the goal. That being chosen or approved of means we’re doing it right.

But what if being liked isn’t the same as being true?

That question came up again and again as I’ve navigated my relationship. I grew up with…not exactly the picture of a healthy relationship. In fact, I didn’t have a ton of healthy relationship examples to look up to, especially when it comes to marriage.

We moved in together after a year, into a completely new state where we didn’t know anyone. At 23, which felt “so old” at the time. It was unfamiliar territory, in more ways than one. Went on a break—while still living together (during the pandemic, which yes, was as weird and hard as it sounds.)

We got engaged after six years, eloped in the woods with just us and our photographer, and then two years later had a celebration in our home state. I did my own hair. My own makeup. I planned and did the decor myself.

I can’t lie and say I didn’t feel the pull to do it differently. As much as I’ve always longed to fit in, I’ve also always liked to do things in my own way. To challenge the status quo. There were so many moments where I wanted to explain our timeline, make our choices more legible to other people, or ease the discomfort of not fitting into some expected mold. I had to resist the instinct to make it make sense for everyone else.

That part was hard. It always is, when you’ve been taught that being understood means you’re safe.

But I’ve learned that you don’t owe anyone a version of yourself that isn’t real. You don’t need to perform your life in a way that earns you a gold star. You don’t need your choices to be easy to explain. And you sure as hell don’t need to be universally approved of to be worthy.

Sometimes the most self-honoring thing you can do is live in a way that doesn’t make perfect sense to everyone else. Sometimes it means trusting yourself even when other people don’t get it. Even when they wouldn’t do it the same way. Even when your joy looks different than what they expected.

You’re allowed to want what you want. You’re allowed to do it your way. You’re allowed to be big, soft, bold, quiet, certain, unsure, sensitive, opinionated, whatever. You’re allowed to take up space.

You’re not too much. You’re just not here to be everyone’s cup of tea.

And the sooner you stop performing for their comfort, the more peace you’ll find in your own.

Thanks for being here, let’s meet back same place same time next week :)

Much love,

Sammy