Why Setting Boundaries Doesn’t Make You a Bitch

Let’s get one thing straight: setting boundaries isn’t mean, aggressive, or selfish. It’s not dramatic. It doesn’t make you cold or difficult or "too much." It makes you a human who has limits—and who’s finally honoring them.

Still, I get it. If you’re a recovering people pleaser like me, the second you start advocating for yourself, you feel like you’re breaking some unspoken rule. Like you’re being “bad.” Like you’re going to get in trouble. And honestly? That fear doesn’t come out of nowhere. Most of us learned pretty early that being agreeable, flexible, accommodating—that’s what made us lovable. Safe. Accepted.

So when you start saying no, or "I need space," or “I don’t have capacity for that,” it can feel like you’re betraying your role in the ecosystem. And the truth is, some people will be uncomfortable when you stop betraying yourself to make them comfortable. Because you’re making the choice to show up differently will inherently shift the role you play for them. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It also doesn't mean that you need to change something because they don’t approve. It means you’re growing.

I used to think being a “nice person” meant not letting other people down. Never taking up too much room. Always being the one who could handle it. I didn’t know that constantly handling it was actually self-abandonment in disguise. I didn’t know that peacekeeping at all costs usually meant losing myself in the process. I didn’t realize that ultimately, by working so hard to not let other people down, I was persistently letting myself down. Over and over and over again.

Now? I know better.
I know that love doesn’t require self-sacrifice. That relationships worth keeping can handle honest conversations, even when they’re hard. Especially when they’re hard.

That the people who respect me want me to take care of myself.

And still—sometimes the guilt creeps in. Sometimes the voice in my head says, “Was that too much?” “Did I make them upset?” “Should I have just said yes?” Especially when it comes to the people closest to me (*ahem cue that deep internal fear of disappointing my parents that I always thought would go away as an adult). But that’s old programming. That’s the part of me that was taught it’s safer to be small.

And something I’ve decided is that I’m not shrinking for anyone anymore. Specifically not for that inner critic in my head.

So if you’re someone who’s been afraid to set boundaries because you don’t want to seem harsh or difficult or god forbid “bitchy,” let me tell you something:

You can be kind and direct.
You can be soft and strong.
You can be compassionate and unavailable.

Saying no isn’t mean. Saying “that doesn’t work for me” isn’t rude. It’s honest. And honesty is one of the most respectful things you can offer someone.

Boundaries are love. Boundaries are clarity. Boundaries are what make true connection possible.

Anyone who makes you feel like you’re “too much” for having them? They aren’t your people. And honestly, often times when someone pushes pack against your boundaries it’s ultimately a reflection of why you are setting the boundary to begin with.

Thanks for being here, let’s meet back same place same time next week :)

Much love,

Sammy